Monday, January 31, 2005

You Can't

get grandiose about everyday affairs. Sometimes they're earthshaking and milestones to you personally but to everyone else, (and in light of the worlds troubles) people just dont care. My Urlogist admitted to me today that he bruised my lung with the Lithotripsy. He apologized, I accepted it. End of affair. I make mistakes, I understand. When this kidney stone procedure began he told me that because of my size (6'03" 295lbs) I was a max fit for the tank and the focusing element. Doing the right side of my body last summer was a cakewalk. And when they blast those devils, they blast them to fine grains of sand. It really is amazing. The technology was developed originally by the Nazis in WWII to bring down aircraft with sound blasts. Because the angle of incidence was diffrent for me due to my size sitting in the tank (youre unconscious during this procedure so you really cant offer any assistance to them)the sound path passed through my kidney annihilating the stones but it went up instead of out past my intestines. It bruised my lung and my pulmonary artery and those of you that know me, know that I had bypass surgery a few years ago and the swelling of the pulmonary artery caused the new veins to stretch like guitar strings. I had chest pains, I got a ride in the meatwagon. I'm grateful to be alive. I've put myself on the subway diet and its working, Im exercising more now and feel much better. The pain from this last procedure to rid me of kidneystones has set me back because I feel weak and tired, but now its day 10 and Im starting to get with it again. I cut some firewood and put up my tools from working on my rental. Im going up there tomorrow and replace the broken Glass in the bedroom window, and fix the ceiling in the basement room that they ripped up.
Life goes on you have struggles and pain and you suck it up and keep on keepin on. More and more I belive in "never give up". Although sometimes I felt so down that I wanted to.
Bowe

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Theres this really old bat

Who is a wiccan witch. She has the ass for me and big time. I think she does voo doo. Anyway she'll make some comment about in a message board I visit about dropping her advesaries like flies....Then she sends me christmas card or a birthday card, or a NEW YEARS card. Always with some snidely remark on it. She used to spend a lot of time discrediting what ever I proposed. But never directly. Always with her wiccan insight and voo doo idioms. She constructs these clay masks that look like Michael Jordan at Mardi Gras. She sells them at craft fairs and probably the net too although she never says that. Her husband she says is British and lives here under some visa that allows permenent residence yet not citizenship. Shes so paranoid that she uses lots of alias's and Bush and Christianity are her favorite targets.
The reason I mention this is that tomorrow I have to have a CAT scan for a lung tumor. YES! I now have a tumor in my lung. I smoked for about 25 years, and gave it up in 1992. SOOOOOOOOOO if I have problems after tomorrow with this. She is not to blame. She is however to blame for owning a dog that looks like a rat with fuzz covering it, and being Nah stay.
Bad behavior and age will catch up with you. If you give them the opportunity.
Bowe

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Went to work in the Toyota

came home in the meatwagon! I guess my kidneys are much frailer than I imagined. But with the reduction of coca cola, pepsi, and coffee and a regimen of green, white and raspberry tea I seem to be doin ok. My goal is to make it to 60. Its a nice round nunber. I've lost 45 pounds since October and intend to get 60 more off. This kidney stone setback has been a drag but not the end so far. My doctors in consultation have decided that my lung (left) and ribs and intestines recieved "collateral" damage from the assualt on the stones. I saw the radiograph today, being an ultrasonic investigator myself, and the stones are in exactly the same places they were when they were stones but now appear as pepper. Some nurse from last nights hospital visit (in case ya didnt know, I was taken by ambulance from work last midnight to the hospital with chest pains) called me tonight and told me she saw some thickening on my chest X-Ray. (left side) I figgured my doc had already had this info but if he didnt then he DID have the ultrasound lung scan which Im pretty sure would have shown a mass. She told me she'd fax the X-rays to the doc and I should call him tomorrow. I'll do it.
I received a GREAT email from my old runnin buddy Bobby A. tonight. He is so articulate. I always wind up envieing him for his many talents. ONE of which I cant partake of but is absolutely criminal, and that is making original homemade Italian Sausage. The only thing in the world better than that, is to watch them hang a bishop, or a republican fund raiser. Bobby A. is deeper than the ocean and clearer than ice. Its so fine that we can now communicate more regularly. whelp, Ah need mah beauty sleep.
Bowe
But I digress again.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Lithotripsy

I had lithotripsy today focused on my left kidney. I didnt have this much pain when they did the right side. I can hardly breathe for the pain.If I take a deap breath my left lung hurts. I've got hydrocodone and it alleviated it for a while. I wanted to space the doses out to 6 hours cause initially I did 2 hits. I hate that drug, it makes me feel like shit. And I get a drug hangover from it. But It does numb the pain pretty good. I keep feelin like I have to take a crap. I've got a pain in the left side of my stomach as well. He stented me today too...I feel like someone hit me with a baseball bat. To all my enemies! Today you have vengence....

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Well, No

It aint my fault. Its all my fault. I didnt do it! I did it this time. I cant believe you did that! I can't believe I did that! Did you do that? I can't believe you did that too! Go ahead! Do it! Don't do that! do this!
Stereotypes! a real time saver!

Monday, January 17, 2005

All I can tell you is

Occasionally where you work has struggles. My crew has struggles. We see successes but we have severe struggles. Its because my crew has an abundance of 20 somethings who aint sure what they want to do. I get frustrated because I see the places where improvements can go on. I suggest stuff and sometimes I'm successful at changing things but then they slip back into slacker mode. It could be the weather. It could be the coffee. It could be me. Im getting grouchier as I get older. But then the numbers don't lie. sheesh. I mean were only a little ways back but we are consistantly back. We have no one to run to the fires and put them out. I can't because Im stuck to the inspection unit. I asked for the opportunity to lead. I was told that I could do it. Just how and when were the issues. Changing people is a difficult thing. I want this place to prosper and Im not sick like some of them. By that I mean I dont have the alcohol issue, or the buddies issue. I can tell them to KMA and not care what they think. This is my income. This saved my life once. (Heart surgery to the tune of 84,000.00) Kidney surgery to the tune of 20,000.00.cost me nothing for the kidney surgery and 3 grand for the heart work. This is serious. I cant be playing with success. They are young and dont care. I was that once so I understand. But providing boundaries is what they need. Setting up a system where by they rotate, and factory work is factory work no matter what you say. It might look greener on the other side of the hill but the ruts are just as deep.
This aint no party
This aint no disco
this
ain't no foolin aroun.
Bowe

I want to do something different

I want to do something different at work. I want to be a part of shaping what goes on. Of successful runs. I want to get my crew congealed. I'm tired of all this failure. All this apathy.

Friday, January 14, 2005

He has a regret

That he said "Bring em on" and Osama "Wanted dead or alive". So He really DIDN'T want em brought on. AND He really didnt want Osama dead or alive. And now that there are no WMD's to be found in Iraq and there never were, AND he said in 2003 that we'd be outta there after a freely erected government was established...well maybe he'll regret that too. Is anyway to run a government? Is Warren G. Harding been ressurected? Can this man actually imagine that he could be as venerated as a Washington? A Jefferson? Talk about Orwellian doublespeak! Every reason for going to war with the Arabs is now gone. 9/11 justice was a joke to invade Iraq. That Iraq had WMD's, and harbored Al Queda, must have been some kind of ruse for a blatant exercise of economic Imperialism on behalf of the businessess that support the GOP.
After hearing him say these words, what other conclusion can a sane person arrive at?
The selfish will say..."so what?" The dead just rot. Another trick has been pulled! The pols have evolved to the place where they can no longer just be satisfied that they line their estates with green, no the want total control of even the economies of the entire world. Today a space ship made a soft landing on Titan. Maybe thats where the wheels are headed for vaca.....
Bowe

Thursday, January 13, 2005

I wasn't sure

For a long time about quality of life. I know the rich laugh at a poor man who talks about quality of life. I've never had a lot of momey.I deem it "good" when there exists tranquility at home, logevity without disease, and happiness. The happiness I encounter when Im in the prescense of quality of life. There exists toys, and diversions and even I have these. But the highest quality that I've encountered in my time of life has been men who live with clear consciences. I can't stand drunks (was one myself once) and whiners. Hits me where I live. Unless the whining is done with accute humor. Then I can bear it, if I can laugh. I was talkin to a friend from Philly the other night and we laughed and laughed, I know we werent on the same page sometimes, but sometimes we were. Theres a perspective we share toward politics and we got on a hoot and ran. Like Billy Crystal said "Comedy is hard" Well its not if its politics. Its hilarious. Free set ups. Hold up the mirror. My friend asked me why we werent out in the streets after the WMD search had been called off in Iraq. I told him it was because I was on geritol and had a mortgage. He said that the people of the Ukraine were out in the streets and they had mortgages too...I said that my mortgage was higher than theirs. (I'm half Lithuanian)
We talked about the catholic issues and the payments and the use of bankruptcy to escape the penalty payments by dioceses who've been sued for inappropriate activities by priests.... Comedy is not hard. I don't remember what exactly set it off, but we laughed and laughed. I got a good dose of endorphins. That'll hopefully cure this cancer on my face. (the doc burnt it off with liquid nitrogen).
I remember being drunk one night in New York State. I was about 34 and I had a car that was put together from junk parts, but it was a Volvo. I was on a back road in winter and I was pretty drunk...and I was on a different road than I thought I was on. Anyway suddenly theres four huge Maple Trees in front of me and a 'T' in the road. I pulled hard to the right on the steering wheel and hit the gas. I made the turn although my drivers side tires were riding on the cliff of the ditch edge. I remember how hard my heart beat.
That next spring I was out in the same area riding a bicycle to this piece of land I was buying and these two hunting dogs came out of no where and were barking and nipping at my pant legs. I was peddlen down hill in high gear like a mad man when they gave up the chase. When I got to the top of the next hill I thought I was gonna die. I thought my heart was gonna explode. I vowed never to go anywyere without mace again. (On a country ride onna bike)There was still some snow on the ground too....
I remember sitting on a large rock in a field. When a porcupine emerged from the timber and was waddeling toward me. I was yelling "get out of here!" But he jes kept on coming. I had to leave....
Bowe

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Thanks Leon

Get off yer bottom
go down that street friend
You know what to do lordy
when ya tell me how bad its been
Ya say ya wanna get away
to the English countryside
cause cryin wont help ya now boy
why dont chu look how many tears you cried

When I got down to Chelsea
I had no expectations
oh to get away from the Delta Belt and
the painful situation
By Holly had a time
oh life to a look around
and I found my heart was a goin again
like a English leaps and bounds

And she's a Pisces apple lady
Lift this screen softly
Strange
She's really got herself together
Yes she does oh yeah
A Pisces apple lady
took me by surprise
and I fell into a hundred pieces
right before her eyes......




Leon russell


It's amazing

Nothing in this country has changed in over 100 years. I'm reading Menckens "On Politics" and the Harding election has got to be as hilarious as the Bush election. In fact, Mencken says that one bright day in the future American Plain People will get exactly what it wants. A Moron in the white house! And he called himself an atheist. He also said that from the gallows he'd hoot socialism. He said that he's a capitalist, and would remain so until safely lodged in Hell. How accute! Having been a communalist in my youth it can be disconcerting to see someone else walking around in you personal t shirt. In fact I became so lawless after that experoence, I ruined some really potentially great friendships with my bad behavior. And of course people lock you into time as a loser and you never escape. Then again, the drugs and alcohol were a big part of my not growing up as well. So I can't put the blame soley on the communal lifestyle. But when yer blitzed everyday and there are no boundaries.... Oh shit. But never forget that the consequences of your behavior will follow you no matter where you go. No one escapes even though they imagine they do. And it aint god or karma either. Its natural and logical. Im so fed up with the superstitious clowns.Sheeesh. Yer own personal Jesus. My ass. If I was Jesus I'd want everyone kissing MY ass everyday too after what I went through for the ungrateful fornicating thieves that everyday petitioned him to win the lottery.
I cant recall ever meeting a minister who received a pile of money and DIDNT say that the windows of heaven opened and huge blessing was poured out. Like
there aint no money in hebbin. Just God and his pals. Money comes from thievery and/or hard work. Something a minister rarely knows about, unless he's black and from Mississippi.
Some chineyman one said (or he could have been eyrupean too, I ferget) that he hoo ignores history is destined to relive it. What a world. Our government wants to make every third Iraqi with a job free to vote. OOPS! a 500 lb bomb on yer residence. My bad!
Bowe

Saturday, January 08, 2005

The Men I've known

I've met many different people on my trip through life. Some of them have given me the impression that faith in a god is a rational and sensible lifestyle. Others have shown me that faith in a god is a platform for personal power, and an outlet to force an opinion on a captive audience. Having a group of detractors of my own I am not afraid to say what I think. At least I do think these days. In my youth I numbed all thinking with alcohol and marijuanna.
I was hitchin down to virginia in the early seventies when I was picked up in Pennsylvania by a catholic priest who was the president of some huge catholic seminary in Baltimore. He was in his 60's and I in my twenties. He'd picked up some "Children of God" a cult prevalent then in those days on the east coast. Of course they ripped him to pieces for his 'professionalism'. I was a fundamentalist at the time but let learning be my guide rather than judgement. I learned he was gay. I learned he'd taken a lover in his early priesthood and then given him up for the job. We spent the night in Baltimores Roland Park district where the Seminary was and that morning I met a black priest from Africa who spoke with an Irish accent. He was raised by Irish nuns. I'd only ever heard blacks speak in ebonics up to that time and was amazed that he had the brouge he posessed. I was given a tour of the facility and then dropped off on I-95 to finish my journey to the beach.
I wound up at Rock Church, and listened to the reformed heroin addicts who ran that place talk in ecstatic terms of heaven, Jesus, and a better life. In later years I discovered that the Ministry there was involved in immorality at the highest levels.
That knowledge just added to my cynicism. I know what immorality I'm capable of, and I also have learned that to be immoral is to generally trash your life, and someone elses life in matters of degrees. But I digress.
I met a man on a highway in western New York who was a Calvinist. A huge believer in the work ethic. I was 22 and hitching back to Illinois from New York. He pretty much took me home and indoctrinated me in Christianity. He had me read a modern language Bible and When it came to commandments "Thou shalt not kill became Thou shalt not commit murder. Adultry either. His wife really liked me a lot.Anyway I had to move on in the spring. I wound up meeting a woman who believed in Christ and had strange ideas about orthodoxy. She opened her house to everyone and selectivly threw out the bums.I my self got tossed out eventually.shes in her seventies now and I hear that she is into Native American Mysticisim as well as Chrisitanity. She was a Cherokee Indian I believe. Looked it too. I migrated back to NYS and met a minister of a commune in Johnstown in 1974. He ran the commune and a church. The big secret was he was gay. I was too naieve to get it however and wound up playing guitar behind one of their talented singers. I remember his teaching was interesting and held my interest. But alcohol and marriage ended my time with christianity.I briefly tried to do the family Christianity in the mid and late seventies. Being a drunk interfered with a lot of the aceticism. My ex hated it as well and was on the look out for another man....But during that time I met a man who called himself a 'fundamentalist Plus' and he was a tounge talker, and had certain strict borders. He was in his late fifties and did good deeds for a lot of the local old folks. He took them to the grocery store, to doctors appointments, many really kind works to people who were shut in or invalided. He was extremely soft spoken and really had to be pressed to become reactionary. I managed to do that to him a couple of times however. My own father always said I could make a preacher cuss. I became divorced. I wandered kind of aimlessly around. I wound up in Cedar Rapids Iowa. I'd lived there for a few years when my first wife and I separated and reunited. i met a man who had NO work ethic whatsoever. He too was a Christian. He was a get a tract and hit the street kind of christian. We are still aquainted. I consider him a friend. But we have very little in common religious-wise. Then I met the minister at my present wifes church. It was the end of the road for me as far as the church went.This guy was/is the biggest wuss I ever met. But always spoke quite boldy. I like him until I got to know him then....ahhhhhhhh I dont hate hime. i just leave him be. He preaches contradiction after contradiction and if I bring it to his attention he accuses me of misreading him. Every time! So I said Oh well.
Bowe

Monday, January 03, 2005

Ludea Kriss

The criticisim of Christianity as brought forth by Nietzsche can be summed up in a sentence: "Christianity has stifled the growth of humanity by allowing self sacrifice to undermine natural selection."The counter argument that humanity is benifited by the strong supporting and sustaining the weak is proven wrong by the test of time. The more we support nations and peoples who are needy, the more wars we wind up fighting against them when their ideology does not agree with ours. We they imagine themselves as strong and attack us in what ever capacity they can derive from their abilities we have to expend strength, and our youth, to neutralize the people we once fed and hospitalized and educated. No bigger evidence of this blunder is more obvious than the Bin Laden, Afghanistan assistance we contributed in the 1980's!It barely took 10 years for them to turn on us. (1992 WTC bombing).Christianity assumes that the eternal is more important than the now. Christs 11th commandment that we 'love one another' was innovative 2000 years ago and now its the catch phrase for every endeavor thought out or not, that launches itself from the minds of those who see a hand of god at work in their altruism.
My own iconoclasim comes from the observation that the world is a more dangerous place because science, technology, and intelligence are constantly being overthrown by tradional religious beliefs and scientists have had to be criminals in order to save our lives. Witness the church's stand on surgery, astronomy, physics, genetic research. The Christian Morality is a blight on the progress of humanity. And Christiany boldly says it means to smash humanity to pieces because all men are created to serve the creator and HE alone is the healer, and discoverer, and teacher of the world. Left to itself you wouldnt have an anti-biotic to cure your pneumonia because God's selection of the healthy and the sick is better left to Him than some doctor and his perscriptions, or natural selection. Instead of raising your hands in praise you should be throwing up your hands in disgust. Now we are engaged in a dirty little war with a religion that sees us as the big brother of the hated jews. Or maybe they see us as the Jews themselves in another land. We on the other hand see their land as sacred because it contains a lot of oil. This hatred is not going to go away anytime soon. The Arabs know how to hold a grudge. The sad thing is all this mess is based on religions, who's is right and who's is wrong. When in actuality none of it exists at all.
I've heard the ghost stories. I read all about the healings. I've heard Kathryn Kuhlman, and Corrie Ten Boom heal and preach respectively in my time. I've seen visions and dreamed dreams. But only because Im alive and well. And my brain works and has regions untouched. Areas of nonuse, and ability yet untapped. All squashed by the presence of 'conviction' and original sin. Let me tell you. None of my sins were original. Do I want someone raping my children? No! Do I want someone stealing my property, or my goods, or screwing my wife? No. If society is left to devolop as it is then we need cops. We cant escape the situation because we created it.Is the heroic lifestyle the best and only way to live? Possibly. A cop or a fireman is worth millions more than a professional athelete. In reality the cop and the fireman recieve 1/100th of the money and fame and recognition of the professional athelete.
Is God the reason we have them? No. The heroic lifestyle is the reason. The fight to win, to see your enemies vanquished, and resistance wane.This is why we have cops and firemen. They want to be cops and firemen. Hence we have laws and apollonian ways in this country. It is said that the moral law is written on the hearts of every man. Mencken says 'no'. I agree. I cant see a moral law written on the heart of a child molester, an illegal drug producer, a pimp, a crooked politician, a whore, an addict, or even in myself. Everything I learned about morality came from the church. Either by my parents or the church itself. The church obtained moral law from experience and put it into the mouth of God. There it had more permanence. There it was mythed into becoming all penetrating and all knowing. But crime goes on. And it gets worse all the time. Of course the fundamentalist says this was all predicted. That the end of the world will be represented by gross misconduct. Then god will save the faithful and raise fromt the dead the departed faithful.
how fanciful!
how ludicrous.
Bowe

Got a charge account at Goldblatts

I've net several minimalists here in Iowa during the last few years. They do without. Theyre basically college educated, and hold down jobs that are 60k or better annually. Theyre not attached to the power grid except to sell power at bulk kilowatts to the Power Company. (Owned by Warren Buffett) Their women dont wear makeup and have part time jobs as tutors. This is how I came upon them. I hired a tutor for my youngest daughter. They are thin, and seemingly unhappy. They rarely joke of smile at all. Its all business. The kind of people who you expect to arrive safely at the grave.I want to do an austerity program here at rancho malario. Im gettin really pissed off at bounced check charges and this week I took over the mess of our checking accounts and savings etc...I always get it when its fubar.I was cruising along thinking I had reserves. I didnt. Shit hit the fan and now after a few small strokes that had me twitching for three days Im figuring how to make the automatic payments with no money. But I have good credit. Im working. It will all work out. I will not be very popular around here for a while. I cant believe that we do this so often. I've been married for 17 years to the same woman and worked the same job for nearly 15 years now. You'd think I'd have a routine at this point. No... Im a liberal. I let my wife have her say, and I let her have the reigns. So it's back to square one. But i've been here before and know jes what it takes. Austerity! PB and J. The answer to your question is NO.
Man
I wasnt cut out to be Dionysian. Or dictatorial.
I thought marriage and finance would be a smoother, sensible route for people who looked at life soberly and took shit seriously.
Well some folks imagine that the diety will continually provide above and beyond what I earn.
Nope
It dont work like dat.
But like I said.
I know the drill.
Im off and running
Bowe

Got a charge account at Goldblatts

I've net several minimalists here in Iowa during the last few years. They do without. Theyre basically college educated, and hold down jobs that are 60k or better annually. Theyre not attached to the power grid except to sell power at bulk kilowatts to the Power Company. (Owned by Warren Buffett) Their women dont wear makeup and have part time jobs as tutors. This is how I came upon them. I hired a tutor for my youngest daughter. They are thin, and seemingly unhappy. They rarely joke of smile at all. Its all business. The kind of people who you expect to arrive safely at the grave.I want to do an austerity program here at rancho malario. Im gettin really pissed off at bounced check charges and this week I took over the mess of our checking accounts and savings etc...I always get it when its fubar.I was cruising along thinking I had reserves. I didnt. Shit hit the fan and now after a few small strokes that had me twitching for three days Im figuring how to make the automatic payments with no money. But I have good credit. Im working. It will all work out. I will not be very popular around here for a while. I cant believe that we do this so often. I've been married for 17 years to the same woman and worked the same job for nearly 15 years now. You'd think I'd have a routine at this point. No... Im a liberal. I let my wife have her say, and I let her have the reigns. So it's back to square one. But i've been here before and know jes what it takes. Austerity! PB and J. The answer to your question is NO.
Man
I wasnt cut out to be Dionysian. Or dictatorial.
I thought marriage and finance would be a smoother, sensible route for people who looked at life soberly and took shit seriously.
Well some folks imagine that the diety will continually provide above and beyond what I earn.
Nope
It dont work like dat.
But like I said.
I know the drill.
Im off and running
Bowe

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Hey Hey its a nudder Sunny Day

In education it is the duty of the teacher to teach the truth. Give facts. Give facts so that the student may discover more facts. Science, unlike religion, is in flux. It takes no absolutes for granted, It seeks deeper truths by observation and tests. Ones own axiom is not holy ground. It can be taken apart and disproven if the truth will allow that. Newton was the arbiter of absolutes. Along came Einstein and said that the position of the observer is of the utmost importance in making an hypothesis. Thus entered relitivity. Along comes technology and proves Einstein wrong on several hypothesis. We now have string theory and have noticed that instead of three dimensions, we may well be dealing with eleven.In the areas of scientific research we find that stem cell research is helping diabetics, (an area in which I have particular interest)but that government funding is witheld due to the 'probability' of a rise in abortions for the sale of embryonic material for the collection of fetal stem cells. Could this though be the way evolution starts cleaning the gene pool? Since man has stunted the natural selection in his species by altruistic behavior, this may be one way to slow the expansion of humanity on a crowded and stifling planet. It's up to knowledgeable people to make the decisions. Not politicians who have no real consideration for 'the people' except to garner their votes and get re-elected. Of course a case can be made for allowing diabetes to kill its victims, so that the pool is cleansed that way. However, if diabetics are productive and profitable, they are society's underpinings as far as taxes, and capital outlay fot the HUGE medical beast that feeds off the aging and infirm populace. So they need to at least afford diabetics the extension of life to retirement. And maybe allow us to repay the interest on our credit cards before they pack us away.
Bowe