Midweek Rant

Well
another unexciting installment of my blog. Heh. Im in a raging depression. Im totally wracked by the activities of my non custodial daughter and her vacated brained mother. Her mother created an atmosphere of permissiveness for the daughter to dwell in. Now she's 16 and has a baby. A Baby with a Baby. The mother approves! Even allows them to live as man and wife in her basement. My daugter has an excellent voice, classically trained, and plays flute and piano very proficiently. Now she's planning on going to cosmotology school. Maybe.
Im trashed. Its a waste. I met the father and the baby on Monday when she showed up here at my place unannounced. The last time I saw her I had confronted her about her sexual behavior and drug use at a counseling session at the YWCA. She refused to answer me and walked out. That was Jan 10th 2004. At that time her mother told me that a relationship my daughter had (sexual) with another 16 year old was 'OK'.
These are the never ending consequences of a life lived via alcohol. Decisions I made drunk that haunt me all the days of my life. That and the lousy non relationship I have with my two sons. I mean. I made my bed and now here I lie. I know that it will eventually pass, but I cant stand the immediate loss. I cant even express to myself the unimaginable success of my daughter as a mother. At 16 and self will beyond riot. I'm certain readers will say "ahhh get over it its life." Well that child... a boy. Will he have a life? That above all else is a major concern to me. This created being is so harmless and innocent now. But being parented by these two brilliant specimens? And under the direction of a screwball who must want to relive her childhood vicariously via my daughter?
Her mother is a Dutch Reformed Christian. A choir director and a musuc instructor. And a pathological liar and multiple personality. Sober I wouldnt have given her ten seconds notice. But we met when my guru was Budwieser... Regrets? I have to take tranq's to get to sleep. I married TWO pathological liars in succession. Both while I was under the influence of alcohol. (on a regular daily basis) The upside? My present wife (of 17 years) is honest and we've never seen a drop of liqour pass our lips. She is totally trustworthy. And the daughter I have at home is fabulous. Beautiful, Intelligent, and musical as well.
But the consequences of my behavoir will follow me to the grave. I cant escape the consequencs. And its too sad sometimes to bear.
I've been sober since Dec 26th 1987. I've had no money, lots of money, an heart attack, kidney surgery, and I deal with diabetes every day. I just let my inhibitions down as a youth, and did what felt good. There may be an upside to all the other too. I just havent seen it yet. Right now Im in a raging depression. Writing this is good therapy.
Bowe